Eveclair Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Depression is a thief. It quietly robs you of your sense of self, leaving you unsure of who you are anymore. For over seven years, I lost touch with the person I used to be. The weight of caregiving, grief, and a toxic work environment all played a part in making me feel like a shadow of myself. Battling Depression is demanding and draining, but with proper support, you can recover.
I had a hard time getting out of this fog, but therapy and rediscovering my interests and faith helped me walk out of the haze. My Catholic beliefs became a source of comfort, reminding me that no matter how lost I felt, there was always unconditional love waiting for me.
Being a caregiver can take everything out of you. It is not easy to be selfless, but it is necessary, especially when no professional help is available or out of reach. Thankfully, my siblings and cousin took turns in caregiving. I put all my energy into caring for my loved one, so I forgot to care for myself. Over time, my identity blurred, and I became “the caregiver” and nothing more.
When my loved one passed away, it left me with a space not just in my life but in who I was. I wasn’t sure how to be anyone else, and without that role, I felt lost.
The Toxic Work Environment: Gaslighting and Exhaustion
At the same time, my job was a constant source of stress. My manager was relentless, never allowing me to rest when I needed time off and always scolding me when I returned from a much-needed break or medical leave. It felt like I was trapped in a cycle of blame and emotional manipulation. No matter what I did, I was always wrong in her eyes, which only deepened the confusion and frustration I was already feeling.
The gaslighting left me second-guessing myself, constantly wondering if I was doing enough or as incompetent as I was made to feel. It took a significant toll on my mental health, making it even harder to hold onto the parts of myself that I felt were slipping away.
The abuse only began after I got married. She was much nicer to me when I was “single”. I am glad all this is in the past now, and I no longer have to face such abuse.
Depression Takes Over
Eventually, all of this, the caregiving, the grief, and the toxic work environment caught up with me. I fell into a deep, suffocating depression. It wasn’t just sadness; it was a total numbness. I couldn’t feel joy or even sadness properly. Everything felt distant. I had no energy to engage with the world or care for myself. I forgot who I was, not just as an employee getting through day by day but as a person.
It took a year and a half to recover from all the trauma, and I realised something had to change. I couldn’t keep living in this fog. Slowly, I started to face the trauma and grief I had buried, and I permitted myself to begin healing. It wasn’t easy, but I took small steps, going to therapy, finding new routines, and gently reminding myself that I mattered.
Losing my loved one had stripped away my role as a caregiver, but it also gave me space to start figuring out who I was beyond that. I began to re-engage with the things I had abandoned during my depression. Hobbies like gardening and blogging became essential to reconnecting with myself.
Piece by piece, I started to reclaim the parts of myself I had lost. It was a slow and arduous process, but each step forward filled me with hope and resilience.
During this time, my faith became a lifeline. When everything else felt unstable, I found comfort in knowing I could always confide in God. In prayer, I found a space free of judgment where I didn’t have to prove myself or explain why I felt so lost. It was just me and the unconditional love I believed in. This comforting spiritual support gave me the strength to take the first steps toward healing, knowing I didn’t have to do it alone.
Having that spiritual support made a huge difference. It reminded me that even when I felt unworthy, someone still saw my worth and would love me regardless of how broken I felt. That sense of unconditional love helped me take the first steps toward healing, knowing I didn’t have to do it alone.
Taking Steps to Heal
Slowly, I began to reclaim pieces of myself. Therapy was a help, giving me a space to process everything: the grief, the trauma, and the gaslighting at work. The first therapist was great at first with Grief, but not about depression and office bullying, so I switched to another, which was more in tune with what I was going through. It is essential to find someone who can understand you and not judge you, who will equip you with techniques to deal with anxiety and the trauma that you are facing.
I also started reconnecting with the things I once enjoyed. Writing, gardening, and caring for my pet all became ways to remind myself of who I was beyond the roles I had played for others.
I began to see that while I had lost a lot, I hadn’t lost everything. My Catholic faith kept me grounded, reminding me that I was loved and that it was okay to take time to heal. With time, I stopped blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong and started showing myself the same compassion I believed God had for me.
Coming Out of the Darkness of Depression
Emerging from depression didn’t happen overnight, but after a year and a half, I finally felt like I was surfacing from a long, dark tunnel. I was not the same person I was before, but I had rediscovered parts of myself that I thought were lost forever.
Work was still tricky, but I learned to set boundaries and stand up for myself. I started to heal from the gaslighting and stopped allowing others to dictate my self-worth. Losing my loved one is still painful, but as my therapist said, grief is love living on for your loved one. I do my best to focus on the good times spent together and all he taught me while growing up.
I’m still figuring out who I am, and I’ve accepted that this process might take time. Depression changed me, but it didn’t erase me. My faith continues to guide me, reminding me that no matter what happens, I am loved. I’ve learned that it’s okay to have only some of the answers and to take time to rediscover who you are.
Building a Supportive Network of Family and Friends
My loved one who passed was consistently reliable and unfailingly supportive of my ambitions and dreams, much like my husband, who has never rejected my ideas and always motivated me, significantly empowering me. Additionally, I am fortunate to have family members and friends who have continuously stood by me, offering guidance and patiently supporting me as I progress.
Depression is not just a fleeting emotion that can be easily overcome; it is a severe condition. I still recall the day when all I could do was shiver in fear and scream as I lay on a bean bag at home.
If you’ve ever felt like depression made you forget who you are, especially after caregiving, grief, or trauma at work, know that you’re not alone. There is always a way forward, even if it takes time. Whether through faith, therapy, or simply taking things one day at a time, you can find yourself again and deserve to.
A job is just a job to earn income; if leaving is the answer, do it. There are many other jobs; it’s just a matter of earning more or less.
Always be open to learning new skills and working in different job scopes that interest you. Always make sure you live within your means and save whenever possible before you leap to leave.
There is no shame in seeking help. Below are some contacts you can approach for help.
I did, and it helped a little, but we must remember it depends on you, too. When there is a will, there is a way.
https://www.comchest.gov.sg/causes-impact/our-causes/persons-with-mental-health-conditions
